Life In The Slow Lane

There’s nothing like the call of the wild to rouse somebody from a deep slumber.

Two cats decided to have a battle on my front porch.

Or at least that’s what I figure based on the screeching I heard.

But then again, it could have been two bears squaring off for all I know because at 4:30 in the freakin’ morning my brain’s not really functioning all that well - at least not until I’ve downed a couple of Pepsi’s and dipped into the tin for a few handfuls of M&MS.

Don’t get me wrong. I love cats. But I don’t love them at 4:30 a.m. when they’ve just come home from the bar and decide to have a little alcohol-induced spat on my front patio.

I know that one of them had to be Tommy, the big orange cat that’s been hanging around in the back yard keeping a watchful eye over the bird feeders as the birds sit on the roof and cast a wary glance in his direction.

I don’t like Tommy too much as long as he’s sitting in my back yard waiting for an easy dinner. Aren’t his folks feeding him well? He was back out there again later in the morning, thinking he was hiding in some brush. Well, I saw him. And if I saw him certainly the birds saw him - and that explains why there wasn’t a single bird at the feeders even though all three of them are filled to the max.

If I chase Tommy away, the birds go away too.

Ah, what a tangled web we weave.

I won’t have time to watch for him tomorrow. It’s another early wake-up call, this time to head into the office and out to the schools for their grand opening of the 2008-09 school year. I’ve covered all the orientations and now it’s time to get down to the real deal - back into the classroom for the next 10 months.

Seems like an eternity, doesn’t it? Well, in reality, it’s only 180 days of actual time in the school - if that’s any consolation to the kids.

Time to take down the “Pool’s open, dive carefully” signs and replace them with “School’s open, drive carefully.”

Luckily, summer hasn’t gone totally away. The fine folks at AccuWeather say today’s gonna be hot, hot, hot - about 90 degrees. Too bad we couldn’t have had that during the summer. Better late than never, I suppose.

Still, it’s time to face reality. Summer’s winding down, autumn’s only a skip away and I’ve already got my junk mail catalogs advertising the Christmas season.

It should only be a couple more months before I get the summer 2009 catalog.

I’ve extended my long Labor Day weekend by taking a couple of vacation days today and Wednesday and heading back to work on Thursday for the opening - again - of the new school year.

I need the couple of extra days to mentally prepare myself for driving around to every school I cover and taking the same pictures I took last year and the year before and the year before that and doing the same interviews I did last year and the year before and the year before that.

Some things never change.

So far I haven’t done anything of any substance over the long weekend except clean the tub.

Excitement personified.

Not that there aren’t a million and one things I could do. The garden needs to be weeded, the gutters need to be cleaned in anticipation of the falling autumn leaves that will no doubt end up in them, the interior of the house needs a general GI party, I need a haircut, I’ve got a slew of garbage bags filled with soda cans and bottles to turn in for redemption, and it wouldn’t hurt to take some of the stuff in the garage up into the attic for storage.

But will I get around to any of this?

Well, the haircut, maybe, because it’s starting to make me look like Shaggy in Scooby Doo - or even Scooby Doo himself. I keep telling myself I’m going to see Bob the Barber on a more frequent basos and I always renege on that vow. But when it’s time to start putting gel in the hair to keep it from looking like a porcupine, it’s time to see Bob.

It’s a great day to be outside anyway. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the temperature’s a balmy 70 degrees. There’s a hint of autumn in the air as leaves start to change their colors, and the pumpkins in the garden are just about ready for picking.

What I’ll do with them after they’ve been picked is anyone’s guess. I don’t think that far in advance when I throw the seeds into the ground.

Maybe I’ll try my hand at a pumpkin pie.

Maybe I’ll carve them out for Halloween and hope they stick around for the next two months.

Or maybe I’ll just go ahead and toss ‘em on the ground to save the young punks the trouble on Halloween.

Yes, it is, thank you very much.

Can’t you tell by the dripping forehead and the shirt sticking to my body.

Ask me again and I’ll knock your lights out.

I can’t believe I’m saying this after the long winter we had, but…

Think snow…

If you’re so inclined to get out in this weather, there’s no lack of things to do around here. I invite you to check out my expanded Calendar of Events to find something that interests you. And if you’ve got an activity coming up that you want to publicize, lemme know and I’ll add it to the calendar.

Now, please excuse me.

It’s time for my 10th cold shower today.

Heat, heat, go away, come again some other day.

Yeah, I wish it was Wednesday - or even Friday.

But it’s Monday, and it’s Hump Day courtesy of Katie, who’s in heat once again.

How appropriate that she’d go into heat on one of the hottest days so far this summer, with the “real feel” temperature expected to hit about the mid-90s.

I can’t complain so far about this summer- and you know I’ve always got something to complain about, but nope, can’t do it this time.

The temperature’s been comfortable so far, there’s been a nice mix of rain and sun, and I haven’t had to haul out the pedestal fan to blow the hot air around.

Today might be the day when it comes out of its winter hiding spot.

Hell, while I’m at it I might even put up the Christmas tree, which I’ve yet to sock away in the attic. And since the attic temperature is about 500 degrees hotter than it is on the ground, my chances of putting that tree away anytime soon are pretty remote.

Besides, maybe if I put the tree up now Santa will be all out of whack and he’ll bring me some early Christmas presents.

Like maybe my stimulus check.

That’s supposed to arrive in my mailbox on Friday and, if it does, I’ll have a chance to be stimulated this weekend.

It’s the best present I could hope for.

Other than Katie getting fixed so she’ll never hump my leg again.

The weather forecast is the same day after day.

Rain.

Thunderstorms.

Right now it’s raining in barrels and the sky is black and the only way not to stub your toe on furniture in the house is to turn the lights on because it’s so dark - at 11:30 in the morning.

And I’m sick.

I don’t know what bug has bitten me this time around, but it’s not good.

I went into work yesterday for a 2 p.m. photo shoot that got canceled, and I left right after that because my stomach is so torn up right now.

Today’s not any better.

Maybe it’s the weather, or not eating right, or not eating at all, or maybe the stress of the job, or maybe not getting enough sleep because my internal alarm clock has been getting me up at all hours of the night lately.

Whatever the case, I’m miserably sick.

But I’ll try work again today.

If it doesn’t pan out, well, the house is only a hop and a skip away and I’ll come right back home and toss myself into bed again like I did yesterday.

Sick sucks.

I’m stunned after reading the latest weather warning for St. Lawrence County.

SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT… THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A TORNADO WATCH FOR ALL OF VERMONT AND NORTHERN NEW YORK…UNTIL 6PM THIS EVENING. A STRONG COLD FRONT WILL APPROACH AND CROSS THE REGION THIS AFTERNOON INTO EARLY THIS EVENING WITH WIDESPREAD THUNDERSTORM ACTIVITY. WITH HOT AND UNSTABLE AIR ACROSS THE REGION…CONDITIONS ARE RIPE FOR MANY OF THESE STORMS TO BECOME SEVERE…ALONG WITH DAMAGING WINDS…LARGE HAIL…AND POSSIBLY A FEW TORNADOES IN AND CLOSE TO THE WATCH AREA.

Did they say tornado?

In Upstate New York?

My God, the end of the world is near.

Could we be visiting the Wonderful Wizard of Oz sometime soon, the man who gave the Scarecrow his brains and the Tin Man his heart and the Cowardly Lion his courage and Dorothy a free ride back home to Kansas - though one has to wonder why the hell she’d want to go back to Kansas since there doesn’t seem to be a neighbor within 50 miles of Aunt Em and Uncle Henry except for Elvira Gulch and we all know how nasty Elvira can be.

“What can I give you today, young traveler?”

“Well, Mr. Wizard, if it’s alright with you, I’d really like this hot, sticky weather to go away. And I’d like a new car and a new job and better health insurance. A couple of million should cover that and while you’re at it, how about a garden that actually grows something other than weeds.”

“Oh yeah, and if it’s not too much trouble, could I have a pony?”

Tornadoes? Who’d have thunk it?

The last time I went through a tornado was in 1999 in Cincinnati. Hell, I didn’t even know one had touched down even though it was about 10 minutes from my apartment. I got up in the morning, popped my Pepsi, grabbed my M&M breakfast and turned on the radio.

The emergency alert system was in full force.

And that’s when I knew something wasn’t good. And when I drove into work that day, I was in awe over the devastation I witnessed in a neighborhood just a stone’s throw away from me. That gave me a new respect for the power of Mother Nature.

You can still read all about it here.

And here’s yet another sign that the end of the world is near.

Tomatoes pulled off shelves amid salmonella scare

“Tomatoes?” he asked. “Who gives a rat’s ass? I can’t stand the things anyway. Who’d want to put something slimy like a tomato in their mouth to begin with? Yuck.”

You say tomato, I say tomato.

You say tornado, I say tornado.

Perhaps you remember the old Queen song, “Fat-Bottomed Girls.”

Well, this is about the wet-bottomed boys.

Like me.

Gotta tell you, Thursday was a beautiful day weather-wise. The sun was shining. The temperature was just right. The birds were singing.

Life was good.

When I got set to leave work last night I took a quick glance out the window.

Oh, it’s raining.

OH SHIT! IT’S RAINING!

My car windows were open.

And the rain was coming down good.

OH DOUBLE SHIT!

My sun roof was open.

I grabbed my gear and ran as fast as I could to the car to get the windows and the sun roof closed.

It was too late.

I already had a lake forming inside my car.

Good thing it was about 10 p.m. and nobody could see my wet ass when I got home and walked into the house.

As Popeye used to say, “How embaraskin’.”

The windows and the sun roof are staying closed today.

And probably for a few more days if the weather forecast holds up.

Thunderstorms on Friday.

Thunderstorms on Saturday.

Thunderstorms on Sunday.

Thunderstorms on Monday.

Are you beginning to see a pattern here?

Of course, after the way winter went I shouldn’t be complaining.

At least it’s not snow.

Those were the words for one of the many cadences we used to sing while we were marching or running in ye olde U.S. Army.

Now it’s more appropriate to recall them as I finish my vacation and head back to work.

Nuts.

Of course, after a miserable rainy weekend, the sun’s shining today and the birds are chirping and the temperature’s a refreshing 61 degrees - just as I head back to the office.

Not that the rain was a bad thing. I managed to finish my gardening yesterday. Laid down the seeds for the onions and radishes and green peppers and carrots and all that good stuff that costs an arm and a leg in the store these days. Because of Saturday’s rain, I was sloshing in mud that came halfway up my shoes and they’re still sitting in the garage caked over until I feel like scraping the crud off them.

But, when it comes to planting - at least from what I’ve read - moist ground is good. So was the rain that came down after I finished the planting. The seeds are cool and comfortably nestled in the ground and I can only hope there’s something growing after the birds get done pecking.

Yeah, those pesky birds. I’ve got a feeder that I filled to the brim yesterday with wild bird food. But I see few birds taking advantage of the free lunch. They must not be Democrats - motto: if it’s free, it’s for me.

No, instead, they choose to peck away at my garden and I’m thinking they’re picking up my carefully placed seedlings.

I may have to put scarecats out to guard the place.

Tabu would love it. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Nice little birdy in my mouth. Tastes so good.

Anyway, the week of vacation is over and I feel some sense of accomplishment. The body’s creaking, which meant I put it to good use, and the hands are all blistered up. I’m not sure if that’s because I did a lot of heavy manual labor or because my hands are just wimpy these days and start blistering at the thought of holding a hoe.

No, not that kind of hoe people. Get your minds out of the dirt.

The blisters remind me of basic training a couple of years ago - OK, maybe it was more like 31 years ago. Same difference.

But I digress.

It seems that anytime we wanted to eat, we had to cross a set of monkey bars that were carefully placed in front of the dining hall door. Oh, they were in other places too, but the dining hall is what I remember because, while we were in the process of building our upper body strength with those little exercises, our hands were also so blistered that we could barely pick up a knife and fork. Maybe that was the idea. Less food, less time in the mess hall, more time for the drill sergeants.

Yeah, it was all a plot.

And it worked.

Speaking of plots…

There were some decisions made last week regarding who the Democratic candidate will be for the 118th Assembly District that covers our area.

One of the people who put his hat in the ring is our eligible-for-retirement Police Chief Tim Currier.

Three days later the hat was kicked off his head.

Here’s the scoop. Timmy, being a police chief, hadn’t endorsed any one party in the past. In his position, in an effort to stay neutral, that’s not a bad idea.

But now that he’s retirement eligible and interested in a political career, he registered as a member of the Democratic party. That party affiliation, however, won’t kick in until after the next general election in November.

So, as it goes, Tim wanted to run for the Assembly seat as a Democrat. He was, after all, going to be an official Democrat later this year. But because he wasn’t “officially” a Democrat yet, the chairpersons of both the St. Lawrence and Jefferson County Democratic Parties had to offer their support.

That’s where it all fell apart. The Jefferson County chairman said, “Hell no, I’m not supporting him. I’ve got my own candidate.”

You can read about it here.

So, rather than let the Democratic party as a whole decide if they wanted Tim Currier or Jefferson County Legislator Addie Jenne Russell, the choice was taken away. Tim, they said, you’re out of here. Pull your name and throw your support behind Addie.

Three days after announcing he was making a run for office, Mr. Currier was out of the race in favor of a woman who I’d never heard of until this whole fiasco started.

Perhaps Massena Town Supervisor Gary Edwards said it best when Currier announced his intention to leave the race.

“I don’t know anything about this lady,” he said. “I’m sure she’ll do a fine job, but we need a voice up here.”

And wouldn’t it have been nice to let the Democratic voters decide instead of shoving a candidate down our throat?

OK, I will, he says:

Danbury faces lawsuit for waking sleeping student
Teenage boy claims hearing damage when teacher slammed hand on desk

“You can’t make this stuff up,” high school Principal Catherine Richard said. “Does it have merit? That’s for someone else to decide.”

And hopefully they’ll decide that maybe Mr. Robacher needs to hit the rack a bit earlier in the evening so he - like other students - can, gasp, stay awake during class.

Locally, village officials in Massena have declared a snow emergency.

It’s about damn time now that the snow’s piled at least 20 feet in the air.

The snow emergency means that nobody but nobody can park on the streets because visibility’s already so poor for people trying to pull out of their driveways or turn a corner.

No kidding.

I live on what could be considered a small but major thoroughfare, and I fear for my life every time I try to inch like a snail out of my driveway because idiots barreling down the street at 50 mph - and by the way, the speed limit’s only 30 - don’t seem to care that something might be lurking behind that big snow bank.

Like me and my car.

So far - knock on snow - I haven’t been clipped. But the day’s going to come. I can almost guarantee it.

Which I guess really isn’t a bad thing because I’ve been wanting a new car anyway.

But think happy thoughts. Spring’s less than a week away.

Can somebody please smack Old Man Winter upside the head and tell him that.

So I read in the newspaper today that a local weatherman has calculated that we’ve received about 6 feet of snow so far this winter.

Yup, that’s feet and not inches - and it’s only January and we’ve still got at least another three or four months before winter is over in these parts.

All you have to do is look at my back yard and you’ll reckon that he’s pretty much on the money.

I don’t dare go out there because I’m 5′ 6″ and the amount of snow that’s piled up looks like it could swallow me whole.

Maybe that explains why I haven’t seen any squirrels lately.

It’s not just my back yard that I’m concerned about. I don’t know why, but I’ve had very, very strange dreams about my front yard for the past two nights.

I’m talking really wacky dreams.

If I remember the first one correctly - and please don’t ask me to explain why I’m dreaming about stuff like this - my front yard had been totally dug up. So deep, in fact, that you probably could have seen the depths of hell. I barely remember other bits and pieces of the dream, but do recall worrying that a strange cat had maneuvered through the digging and had deposited a huge - I’m talking Subway sandwich length - dead rat in my living room. And I remember taking a broom and trying to roll it out the door.

Is that weird or is that weird?

And then the front yard came up again last night. It was no longer dug up, but there was a huge pipe sticking out of the green grass and two people were down at the end of the yard, near the road, planting flowers or trees or something, and there were stakes that signified new trees had been planted in the middle of the yard.

There were also people in the house during last night’s dream. I have no idea who the hell they were. One of them jumped on my shoulders and I never figured out who it was because I couldn’t turn my head to take a look. I just carried this person around the living room.

And of course, watched the two dudes at the end of the yard planting whatever they were planting by the road.

But at least the mysterious cat didn’t bring another rat into the house.

Should I be worried about these dreams?

Should I seek immediate psychiatric consultation?

Or should I just blow them off and say, “It’s nothing. Just the aftereffects of overdosing on M&Ms after not having any in my system for two days.”

Now I’m scared to go to sleep tonight for fear of what else is going to happen in the front yard.

No wonder I have a headache - though that again could be the result of M&M overdosing. After I got back from the store yesterday, I couldn’t get my hands in the bag fast enough.

Yummy, yummy.

But I digress…

I’ve had strange dreams before, plenty of times, in fact, but never anything like this for two consecutive nights. God only knows what’s in the deep interior of my mind to have dreams like that.

What really scares me is that if I have another dream about my front yard, it might involve mowing the grass.

But then again, I guess that’s better than shoveling 6 feet of snow.