Life In The Slow Lane

I don’t know why, but I find myself continually tuning into CSI: Miami episodes on the boob tube.

It’s almost as if I’m punishing myself for something.

I remember David Caruso from the first season of NYPD Blue and I remember him as being a pretty good actor.

That’s probably why he bailed out on the show, thinking he’d make it bigger and better in Hollywood.

That didn’t pan out, so now he’s on CSI: Miami.

And apparently he lost his acting ability somewhere along the line.

The horror. The horror.

While the world mourns the loss of former Sen. Jesse Helms, it seems somebody else has left this earth with barely a notice.

Bozo the Clown.

No, not the one in the White House.

The man who was Bozo.

Larry Harmon, longtime Bozo the Clown, dead at 83

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Larry Harmon wasn’t the original Bozo the Clown, but he was the real one. Harmon, who portrayed the wing-haired clown for more than half a century, died Thursday of congestive heart failure, said his publicist, Jerry Digney. He was 83. As an entrepreneur, Harmon licensed the character to others, particularly dozens of television stations around the country. The stations in turn hired actors to be their local Bozos.

Like this one in Little Rock, Arkansas.

I remember watching Bozo in my younger days, I believe on WGN out of Chicago. Bozo and Romper Room and Bugs Bunny and Popeye and Secret Squirrel and Magilla the Gorilla and the Three Stooges.

Ah yes, those were the days.

Now we’ve got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or whatever the fad is these days.

Good cartoons, like other things in life, have gone bye-bye.

Most clowns are good.

Some aren’t so good.

Think Stephen King’s “It.”

Bozo, though, he was a good man and we’ll miss him.

Much more than the one in the White House.

Doesn’t that sound like the title for a great horror movie?

But seriously, I’m wondering, “Where have all the squirrels gone?”

They’re normally bouncing around the neighborhood no matter where you look - darting in front of you on the road, climbing up your trees or your bird feeder, attacking the fake hairpiece you’re sporting on top of your head.

But I haven’t seen one in ages.

It’s like they’ve vanished from the face of the earth.

Is there like this shortage of squirrels this year?

Or did the long hard winter wear them out so much that they’re sleeping it off in some remote location?

Or have they all been smashed under the front tires of the neighbor’s Chevy Tahoe?

I don’t know.

I’d ask them if I saw one. But they’re nowhere to be found.

In years past they’ve shimmied up the bird feeder and eaten more food than the birds themselves. This year the pigeons and the crows have the feeder all to themselves.

And the rest of the birds have the trees all to themselves.

And there’s nary a squirrel to be seen.

It’s eerie.

You know, maybe it really would make for a good horror story now that I think about it.

I’ll have to put it among the other million and a half things on my “to do” list.

And God help anybody who says, “Hey that sounds like a great idea. I think I’ll do it myself.”

I’d better not see it on NBC’s “Fear Itself” anytime soon.

If you haven’t checked out that program (10 p.m. Thursdays), might I make a recommendation that you tune in. I’m not a big television fan, but I really like the concept with a different big-name director sharing his or her tale of horror each week.

Sure beats all that crappola that involves (1) has-been stars making idiots of themselves in something like a circus; or (2) average American Joes and Janes auditioning for something or other on national television (how many more of those friggin’ American Idol-style programs do we need).

We also don’t need any more reality shows that involve people doing nothing (if I wanted to see that, I’d tune in to a reality show about the day in the life of a kitty), or the resurgence of game shows that were boring to begin with like Password or Family Feud.

Yeah, Hollywood, you’ve made television really interesting.

I’d rather have five nights a week of “Fear Itself” instead of one night a month of “Who Wants To Be A Nashville Star?”

If you don’t have time on Thursday night to check out “Fear Itself,” no big deal. Just go over to my entertainment links, click on NBC Television on Demand and check it out on the Internet. The full program, not some measly two-minute snippet.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart, NBC, for making it available on the Internet. It’s a great move for some of us who are still toiling away at work when the program’s on and don’t have DVR capability.

We do have a VCR that we haven’t learned to program yet and it makes funny sounds when we stick a tape in - yes, VHS tapes still exist.

Did I say funny sounds?

Hmm, maybe that’s where the squirrels are hiding.

OK, so I wasn’t quite done with my last post. But once I get on Georgie Boy’s case, there’s no stopping me unless I just post it and get it done and over with.

But I forgot to tell you about the Christmas tree.

We put one up. Is that really such a big deal?

It is when you have five cats.

The tree went up this afternoon and, when I got home from work, the fun began. It started rocking and rolling and two eyeballs were peering out from the branches. That would have been Tabu.

I thought, “Well, let her be if she just wants to lay in the branches.” But she wasn’t content. She had to climb to the top and that tree was a shaking away and that’s when I said, “Okey dokey, you’re banished to the bedroom.”

Round one - Bob wins, Cat Loses.

Next.

Now I’m sitting here watching the NFL Network’s coverage of the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings. Don’t ask me why. I’m just a glutton for punishment I guess. But there’s only so much one person can take from Bryant Gumbel, the lead announcer for the telecasts. To put it bluntly, Bryant, you’re boring as hell and you don’t have a clue what’s going on.

How else could you explain his lack of vision when a play is blown dead because the offense jumped off-sides. “Oh,” he says, “there seems to be a whistle. And there’s this yellow thing on the ground. We’ll have to find out what that it.”

Tip to NFL Network - seek new announcers for next year. Please put that on top of your list for New Year’s resolutions.

And here’s a tip to the person who e-mailed us a Christmas card at work. Has anyone told you it ain’t kosher to list every freakin’ addressee in the “To” space? Ever hear of sending the e-mail to yourself and doing a BCC so none of the addressees shows up in everybody’s box? Don’t know about you, but I don’t like having my e-mail address broadcast to the entire world. In this case, it was the office e-mail address, but the same principle applies. BCC, folks.

Since he happens to head a branch of our federal government, you can guess some of the e-mail addresses I’ve harvested from this. Not good - particularly when you’re sending them to snoopy reporters who might have a need to contact someone on that list but doesn’t know how. Now they do.

Santa’s bringing him a refresher course on personal e-mail etiquette.

Oh, and by the way, Happy Holidays to you too. And thanks for the card.