Archive for the ‘Snickers’ Category
Kitty Humor
Investment Tips For 2008
How about some more humor to start your week?
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Good Year and become MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!
And finally….
9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name Titty Titty Bang Bang.
McCain Wins
I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come:
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (AP) — This presidential race was no contest: John McCain sped to the finish while Barack Obama was reluctant to leave the starting point. But there’s no guarantee giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches will predict the real result in November. The roach race Thursday was part of the New Jersey Pest Management Association’s annual clinic and trade show.
| Roaches predict the President |
Campaign ‘08
Anyone else already tired of the presidential campaign?
I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want either of the candidates in the White House.
John McCain, well, he’s too much of a Dumbya clone.
And Mr. Obama, well, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but he just doesn’t get me fired up the way a candidate should.
My vote this year, sadly, will once again be for Morris the Cat.
Pomp And Circumstance
Seems like I was just covering the opening of school and now it all comes to a close this weekend with area graduations.
Again.
I always begin to lament about my age whenever this time of year rolls around.
It’s been 31 years since I walked across the stage of the Massena Arena to receive my diploma.
The kids graduating this year - OK, they’re not kids anymore - were in second grade when I started at the newspaper. A couple more years and I’ll have covered them through their entire school career.
You know what else makes me feel like a geezer? My co-worker wasn’t even born - or even a gleam in her parents’ eyes - the year I graduated from Massena Central High School.
Yup, I’m officially an “old fart.”
Pass the Geritol, will ya, and pull up the chair and we’ll watch some Lawrence Welk together.
A one and a two and a…
On a serious note, RIP George Carlin, one of the comics I grew up loving.
It’s only fitting today that in this clip he talks about the dangers of education.
Enjoy.
Stick A Fork In Me
I think my back can now officially be classified as “gone to hell in a handbasket.”
And now my knees aren’t far behind.
I don’t know what’s going on, but I woke up yet again this morning feeling like I had been run over by a tractor trailer.
Remember years ago when Billy Ray Cyryus lamented about his achy breaky heart?
Well, I’m lamenting about my achy breaky back and my achy breaky knees and my achy breaky whatever’s next in the line of medical dysfunctions.
Old age sucks.
And it doesn’t help when I receive e-mails that ask me to click on a link so I can find out what happened the year I was born.
How old do you think I’m supposed to feel when Alaska and Hawaii became the 49th and 50th states the year I was born?
Good lord, I’m an old coot.
I should be sitting around the fire with a grandchild on my knee - as opposed to a banjo on my knee, of course - telling stories about the “good old days” when we only had 13 cable stations and radio stations were actually staffed by real people and we had to walk two miles in the snow and cold to get to school and the Beatles were taking America by storm and we could only go so far with a phone because of this thing called a cord that was attached to it.
And that was after we were able to actually use the phone because of this primitive thing they had called a party line, when you cut back on your phone bill by sharing the phone with another person somewhere else in town and you never knew who it was but wasn’t it great fun to get on the phone and start doing the armpit farts while they were talking.
Kids don’t have it like that anymore. Now they sit down and try to figure out what they’re going to watch from the 500 stations available on cable - and they still can’t find anything. Or they’re busy playing their video games. Or they’re spending every waking hour on the Internet. Or they’re yakking and texting on their cell phone.
Or they’re blowing balloons with their nose…
Boy inflates 213 balloons - by his nose
A 13-year-old boy hopes to win a balloon-blowing record by a nose.
Blowing through one nostril at a time, Andrew Dahl inflated 213 balloons within an hour Friday - a feat that has been submitted for review by Guinness World Records.
His father, Doug Dahl, measured the balloons to make sure each was at least 20 centimeters, the minimum diameter, and his mother, Wendy Dahl, kept the tally.
At one point he asked, “Does this count as practicing my trumpet?” His mother replied, “Only if you can play that with your nose.”
Andrew’s first attempt - 184 balloons in February - was rejected because his father tied the balloons. This time he tied them off himself.
What’s this world coming to?
Tobacco - A Real Hit
Some people say tobacco’s good for nothing.
Really?
Clerk throws cans of tobacco at robber
DES MOINES, Iowa - A cigarette store cashier has snuffed out a robbery. Police said a masked man flashed a knife at the Cigarette Outlet on Friday and forced one employee to the floor, then demanded money from another worker, Ruth Wright. Instead of cash, Wright threw two cans of chewing tobacco at the robber, and one hit him in the face. Officers said a customer then tackled the man, but the robber broke free and bolted out the door. A cashier, Kittie Peacock, said the store had been robbed at least once before.
Shouldn’t be too hard for the police to find someone with Prince Albert stenciled on his forehead.
You do remember that old joke, don’t you?
You call the store and ask, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
When they answer yes, you ask them, “So why don’t you let him out?”
Hardee har har.
Remember the refrigerator one?
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Yes”
“Well, ya better go catch it!”
Snort, snort, snort.
We used to be such devils. We’d even call the operator and ask,”What drawer are my pajamas in?”
Sometimes they’d answer, sometimes there’d be silence.
And today there’d probably be a fleet of cop cars pulling up to our house to arrest us for aggravated harassment.
I want the good old days again.
Oh yeah, and I’d like some beef too - if you’ve got a couple of slices you can spare…
Uruguay hosts biggest BBQ, grills 12 tons of beef
MONTEVIDEO (Reuters) - More than a thousand barbecue fanatics in Uruguay grilled up 12 metric tonnes (26,400 lbs) of beef on Sunday, setting a new Guinness world record while promoting the country’s succulent top export. Army personnel set up a grill nearly 1 mile long and firefighters lit six tonnes of charcoal to kick off the gargantuan cookout. Some 1,250 people grilled the beef and about 20,000 spectators cried with joy when a Guinness judge confirmed the barbecue record had been broken.
Tobacco - A Real Hit
Some people say tobacco’s good for nothing.
Really?
Clerk throws cans of tobacco at robber
DES MOINES, Iowa - A cigarette store cashier has snuffed out a robbery. Police said a masked man flashed a knife at the Cigarette Outlet on Friday and forced one employee to the floor, then demanded money from another worker, Ruth Wright. Instead of cash, Wright threw two cans of chewing tobacco at the robber, and one hit him in the face. Officers said a customer then tackled the man, but the robber broke free and bolted out the door. A cashier, Kittie Peacock, said the store had been robbed at least once before.
Shouldn’t be too hard for the police to find someone with Prince Albert stenciled on his forehead.
You do remember that old joke, don’t you?
You call the store and ask, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
When they answer yes, you ask them, “So why don’t you let him out?”
Hardee har har.
Remember the refrigerator one?
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Yes”
“Well, ya better go catch it!”
Snort, snort, snort.
We used to be such devils. We’d even call the operator and ask,”What drawer are my pajamas in?”
Sometimes they’d answer, sometimes there’d be silence.
And today there’d probably be a fleet of cop cars pulling up to our house to arrest us for aggravated harassment.
I want the good old days again.
Oh yeah, and I’d like some beef too - if you’ve got a couple of slices you can spare…
Uruguay hosts biggest BBQ, grills 12 tons of beef
MONTEVIDEO (Reuters) - More than a thousand barbecue fanatics in Uruguay grilled up 12 metric tonnes (26,400 lbs) of beef on Sunday, setting a new Guinness world record while promoting the country’s succulent top export. Army personnel set up a grill nearly 1 mile long and firefighters lit six tonnes of charcoal to kick off the gargantuan cookout. Some 1,250 people grilled the beef and about 20,000 spectators cried with joy when a Guinness judge confirmed the barbecue record had been broken.
Saturday Funnies
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”
The father replied, “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the Divorce Court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, ” I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies,”Just a minute.”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed?” asked one detective.
“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.
“A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?”
“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS”
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
He’s still in intensive care.
