Life In The Slow Lane

It’s Labor Day and, of course, time for Jerry Lewis’s annual appeal.

Pssst, Jerry, got a couple of bucks you can spare???

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating.

Verizon sucks!

I grow more frustrated every time I receive my bill and it seems to grow, grow, grow faster than the pumpkins in the back yard.

Why? I only have basic service - basically a dial tone and one feature, Caller ID.

And it’s costing me damned near $48 a month.

For a dial tone.

No long-distance service. If I use it, I pay for it. I don’t use it.

Local calls are free. I don’t make those either. There’s nobody I really want to talk to.

So the phone is basically sitting in its cradle 24 hours a day and I’m sucking up $48 in charges.

Why is this, Verizon, when I asked for the cheapest plan you have since I’m not a big phone person?

How can you justify $48 for a deadbeat phone?

I’m sure you’ll say, like everybody else, oh well, the cost of stuff’s going up.

No kidding. That’s what my electric company tells me, but I use their electricity so I don’t mind paying. That’s what my gas company tells me, but I use their gas so I don’t mind paying. That’s what my water department tells me, but I use their water so I don’t mind paying.

But I don’t use your service - other than to have a dial tone just in case I ever got the urge to make a call - so how the hell can you justify a $48 bill?

If it wasn’t for my DSL service actually needing a phone line I’d drop Verizon like a hot potato and just use my cell phone. That’s where I tell people to call me anyway because I’ve always got it on and at my side.

God forbid I should actually call a relative in Canada.

I’d probably need to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay the phone bill.

Remember Eliot? Former “Sheriff of Wall Street.” Former New York State governor. Former John.

Well, it seems Eliot not only did the nasty with a prostitute, he also did a nasty with his fund-raising money, according to the New York Daily News.

Spitzer spent campaign cash for hotels

His campaign committee, Spitzer2010, refunded $1.48 million in contributions and spent $1.4 million. He raised $263,877 between January and mid-March, when he resigned after being identified as a hooker ring’s Client 9.

Hehe, I like that. Fund-raising expenses at the Renaissance Mayflower Hotel.

Well, it wasn’t just funds that were raised - if ya catch my drift.

I don’t know why, but sleep hasn’t been good to me lately. It seems I’m tossing and turning and waking up all hours of the night and, even if I went to bed at 5 a.m., I’d still be awake at 8.

Maybe it’s because of the three cats who insist on using my body as their bed, pinning me motionless for the evening. If I really need to turn over, I’m fending off 60 claws - estimating 20 claws per cat on the front and back legs - embedded in my skin.

Of course, they don’t lose any sleep over it.

Or maybe I’m not getting enough sleep because I keep dreaming I’m someplace else - and lately it’s been back at Dugway Proving Ground, Utah, my final assignment in the Army.

I don’t know why I’d dream about Dugway. There’s really nothing to dream about as you can tell from this YouTube video.

I’m so tired these days that I can’t think straight - which maybe means I could get my own newspaper column just like Clay Thompson. Seems Mr. Thompson doesn’t need to work very hard to answer people’s questions - and I’d be perfectly suited for that role.

Here’s an example:

Dear Clay: I have some large wind chimes on our patio and the pipes are like 20″ to 30″ long and an inch or so in diameter, but they are not tuned. Do you know how I can tune them?

Clay responds: I have made tuned wind chimes in the past, but like making bird feeders out of old pill bottles the directions are long lost. Go to Google and type in “tuning wind chimes.” You’ll find some books for sale there on the procedure. I haven’t read them, so I’m reluctant to suggest one. And buy a hacksaw.

Geez, I could do that.

Dear Bob: I’m having trouble making ends meet on my measly paycheck. How can I make money go farther?

Bob responds: Simple. Tear your $5 bill into four pieces so it makes it seem like you have more money than you really do. And stop buying food.

But getting back to this sleep issue, I’m thinking maybe I should start shoving a DVD into the player and let a boring movie lull me into a deep sleep - or in the case of some movies, death from boredom.

And if you don’t like the movie, great news. They’re disposable now. Really. I saw it at Kinney Drugs yesterday when I was picking up my supply of M&Ms and Pepsi for a grueling day of work. Apparently you buy the DVD for like $5 and it plays twice before it goes kaput. Then you just chuck it in the trash.

Sounds like a perfectly good waste of money to me - even if you’ve taken that $5 bill and torn it into four pieces.

And if you happened to like the movie? Well, not only have you just shelled out $5 for a copy that’s no longer any good, now you’ve got to plonk down another $20 to get a version that will keep playing more than a couple of times.

Who says technology is smart?

Or are people just stupid?

Especially those of us who don’t have much brain left because of sleep deprivation.

Yeah, I wish it was Wednesday - or even Friday.

But it’s Monday, and it’s Hump Day courtesy of Katie, who’s in heat once again.

How appropriate that she’d go into heat on one of the hottest days so far this summer, with the “real feel” temperature expected to hit about the mid-90s.

I can’t complain so far about this summer- and you know I’ve always got something to complain about, but nope, can’t do it this time.

The temperature’s been comfortable so far, there’s been a nice mix of rain and sun, and I haven’t had to haul out the pedestal fan to blow the hot air around.

Today might be the day when it comes out of its winter hiding spot.

Hell, while I’m at it I might even put up the Christmas tree, which I’ve yet to sock away in the attic. And since the attic temperature is about 500 degrees hotter than it is on the ground, my chances of putting that tree away anytime soon are pretty remote.

Besides, maybe if I put the tree up now Santa will be all out of whack and he’ll bring me some early Christmas presents.

Like maybe my stimulus check.

That’s supposed to arrive in my mailbox on Friday and, if it does, I’ll have a chance to be stimulated this weekend.

It’s the best present I could hope for.

Other than Katie getting fixed so she’ll never hump my leg again.

Norwood-Norfolk voters spoke once again last night, telling the school board and district through their votes that they’d had enough of tax increases.

The first budget presented in May went down by 10 votes. Last night’s revised budget went down by 84 votes. It would have meant a 10 percent increase in spending and a 4.9 percent increase in the tax levy for district residents.

Somehow, I wonder if I - or rather, my newspaper - helped contribute to the defeat.

Last week we ran a story about the preparation for the budget revote, and the original story submitted by yours truly didn’t quite make it into the paper the way it had been written.

Here’s the original lead:

NORFOLK - With new contracts pending between the Norwood-Norfolk Central School District and two of its unions, the school board president said they’ve had to project the associated costs in their proposed spending plan.

Here’s what was published:

NORFOLK - As they prepare to send a revised spending plan for the 2008-09 school year to voters for the second time on Tuesday, the Norwood-Norfolk Central School District’s board of education is also quietly negotiating with the district’s superintendent on a $3,700 raise.

See any difference between the two?

Do you think voters were perhaps a little upset that, at least according to the paper, the superintendent was “quietly negotiating” a pay raise?

Even though that wasn’t the case.

Yup, that might have had something to do with it.

Or it may have been that taxpayers just can’t take it on the chin anymore, especially when the cost of driving back and forth to work has escalated with the $4.33 a gallon cost of gas. Told ya it would go up even when the price of crude oil went down.

Or maybe they can’t take it on the chin anymore because, along with the hefty - and almost daily - increase in gas prices, their grocery bill has also skyrocketed.

Because of the cost of gas.

And their utility bill has skyrocketed.

Because of the cost of gas.

And even the diapers they put on their baby’s bottom have jumped up in price.

Because of the cost of gas.

We need relief, and we have no say over town, village, county, state or federal taxes. We do, however, have a say over school taxes, and it appears voters are saying, “We’re not gonna take it anymore.”

Gov. David Paterson agrees. He wants to put the brakes on the whole process by proposing a 4 percent tax cap on school districts.

ALBANY, N.Y. - Gov. David Paterson, buoyed by a poll that shows three in four New Yorkers support his property tax cap proposal that’s getting no debate in Albany, tried to turn up the pressure on the Legislature Tuesday in the session’s waning days.

“Or are they just going to ignore that and play the typical Albany game … and do nothing and go home,” Suozzi added.

They probably will.

The all-powerful, all-mighty teacher’s union says it’s a bad plan because, let’s face it, 70 percent of a school’s budget goes toward salaries and benefits. Which, I guess, counts for education because it keeps teachers in the classroom.

Here’s the rest of the story.

The Assembly’s Democratic majority and the Senate’s Republican majority haven’t even introduced Paterson’s bill. Instead, the majorities have opposing tax-relief measures. That likely will keep Paterson’s tax cap from a floor debate.

“The governor is obviously attempting his very best to make his argument for his legislation and as advocates in a democratic system we’re doing our very best to raise our argument with lawmakers and citizens,” said NYSUT union President Richard C. Iannuzzi. “Obviously, there are times when we will respectfully disagree with the governor and this is one of them.”

Maybe this is one of those times when our elected state officials need to look out for the taxpayer instead of the unions that line their pockets at election time.

Bet they don’t have a problem paying their school taxes.

Did you hear that Tim Russert died?

How could you miss it? It was tossed at television viewers hour after hour after hour after hour.

I was beginning to think that perhaps Mr. Russert was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself - or least the pope - with the gushing tributes that were paid hour after hour after hour after hour after hour.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Tim Russert was a very nice guy. I’m not a big fan of Sunday morning television, so I can’t comment on just how nice he was.

I’m sure he was a good, loving family man. I’m sure he was a good journalist. I’m sure he was a good friend.

But he wasn’t a head of state or a prince or a pope or a person who had eradicated AIDS from the world.

He was simply a very nice journalist who had medical issues that likely contributed to his passing.

His untimely death should not have gone unnoticed by the media, but don’t you think hours of tributes were just a wee bit over the top?

Where were the tributes to 22-year-old Army Sgt. Shane P. Duffy from Taunton, Mass., 23-year-old Army Sgt. Cody R. Legg from Escondido, Calif., 20-year-old Army Spec. Jonathan D. A. Emard from Mesquite, Texas, 19-year-old Pfc. Joshua E. Waltenbaugh from Ford City, Pa., 26-year-old Spec. Quincy J. Green from El Paso, Texas, or 22-year-old Spec. Justin R. Mixon from Bogalusa, La.?

They’re June’s casualties (so far) among the 4,083 members of the military who’ve died during Operation Iraqi Freedom - and we treat them exactly like that. Just a number.

I guess they just weren’t as famous as Tim Russert.

Did you hear that Saudi Arabia plans to increase its oil production by 200,000 barrels a day next month, according to Saudi officials, who are quoted as saying, “The king believes that the current oil prices are abnormally high, and he is ready to restore prices to their appropriate levels.”

Well, isn’t that sweet of him.

Today’s news headlines report that crude oil declined for a third day amid concerns that slower economic growth will curb consumption of oil products. Oil has retreated more than $7 from yesterday’s record of $139.89 a barrel.

So how does that translate to you, the consumer?

It doesn’t.

Anytime there’s negative news like a hurricane that might threaten oil supplies, the price goes skyrocketing - and you pay dearly at the pump.

When the king says oil prices are too high, the price goes down - for everybody except the consumer, who’s watching the Sunoco sign day after day for some hint that $4.29 a gallon might actually become $4.19.

It’ll probably be a cold day in hell before that happens.

What goes up doesn’t necessarily need to come down in the world of high-stakes oil production.

Did you hear that it really doesn’t matter how companies perform because CEOs are gonna grab their megachecks and laugh all the way to the bank?

According to an Associated Press Article, “Collectively, the 10 best-paid CEOs made more than half a billion dollars last year. Yet half the members of this stratospheric club were leading companies whose profits shrank dramatically.”

Rick Wagoner, chief executive of General Motors Corp., announced earlier this month the company had to close four plants that make trucks and SUVs because of lagging demand as fuel prices soar. That followed the posting a $39 billion loss in 2007, a year when its stock price fell by about 19 percent, without adjusting for dividends.

And Wagoner? His pay rose 64 percent, to $15.7 million.

If I had that kind of a year as a reporter, my ass would have been booted out the door a long time ago.

Only in Corporate America can you be rewarded for your failures.

And speaking of failures…

Did you hear that Willie Randolph was fired as manager of the New York Mets and reporters found out after Mets management waited until the wee hours of the morning - and I’m talking like 12:15 a.m. PDT - to send out a mass e-mail announcing the change.

Hey, I’m not a big Willie Randolph fan simply because he doesn’t have the fire in him to light up his ball club. I can’t think of the last time he was thrown out of a ball game after battling with an umpire for one of his ball players. Hell, I don’t think he’s ever been thrown out of a ball game.

But Willie shouldn’t be the hit man for an underperforming bunch of babies who collectively are earning paychecks of $138 million.

This group, by and large, is older than the over-the-hill gang, and it shows on the field because they’re never there. Pedro Martinez has barely thrown a pitch because of injuries. Moises Alou came off the disabled list and went right back on it again after his calf began to hurt. You’ve got a bullpen that implodes at every opportunity and cast of characters who couldn’t hit their way out of wet paper bag.

Or maybe they’re not trying hard enough because let’s face it, it’s not their ass that’s on the line. It’s their manager’s, and now Willie’s gone and the players are still around cashing their megachecks when they should be in Double A ball trying to work on their hitting - and attitude - issues.

Maybe they should have kept Willie and just let all the other jokers hit the road.

The folks in Albany are starting to realize that pocketbooks can’t take it anymore.

NY commission calls for property tax cap

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — A special commission on Monday recommended that New Yorkers’ property taxes be capped at 4 percent a year, among other reforms. If the Commission on Property Tax Relief’s recommendations are accepted by Gov. David Paterson and the Legislature, local school taxes could be capped at either 4 percent or 120 percent of inflation, whichever is less. That would be about half of the annual, average growth in most recent years. A school district could exceed the cap if 55 percent of voters agree. But if the district received more than a 5-percent increase in state aid, 60 percent of voters would have to agree to override the cap. The powerful New York State United Teachers union and the state School Boards Association oppose a tax cap.

There’s a couple of problems with this thinking.

Number one, I’m not the greatest math whiz in the world, but the formula they’re proposing totally boggles my mind. Can anyone figure it out?

And number two, capping taxes at 4 percent a year still isn’t going to help employees who only receive a 2 percent pay hike ever year. They still have to suck up the other 2 percent in property tax increases - on top of sucking up all the other increases they’re facing in their daily lives.

Maybe it’s time to explore that dreaded M word.

Merger.

Let’s be realistic here. Small schools can no longer survive on their own. They don’t have the student numbers or the tax base to keep the schools going, especially these days when the fuel bill to heat their buildings and run their buses sinks them heavily into debt all by itself.

Every year they roll out their budget and tell taxpayers the cost of business is going up. The state’s giving them a good chunk of change, but they need more, more more.

But hey, we’re gonna save you some bucks by throwing in the STAR tax relief so your bill won’t go up 10 percent. Just 5 percent.

Year after year after year.

While employers are doling out those 2 percent pay increases that don’t even cover the basic cost of living.

Parents, students, teachers and administrators don’t want to think about consolidating with another school district. They want to maintain their own identity.

At a cost.

And one that’s getting more expensive every year.

But maybe it’s time to talk about that dreaded M word.

You’d be combining academics. There’s a savings.

You’d be combining administrators and teachers. There’s a savings.

You’d be combining those atrocious heat and light and food bills. There’s a savings.

You’d be combining athletics and other extracurricular activities. There’s a savings.

You’d be combining bus runs. There’s a savings.

The drawbacks?

Somebody’s bound to lose their job.

That’s the real world. Just ask the 500 employees at GM Powertrain who will either transfer or take a buyout because the plant’s closing by the end of the year.

Nobody said life was fair.

But let’s make it sensible and study consolidation.

It’s the arrival of the event we all knew was coming, but just couldn’t wait for.

Gas has crossed into newly uncharted territory of $4 a gallon.

Oh, they couldn’t make it easy by rounding it off to $4 so you’d put $16 worth of gas in your car and knew you had four gallons.

Nosiree, they had to make it interesting - $4.01 or $4.02 or $4.03 or higher.

Do I hear $4.10?

$4.10 going once, $4.10 going twice, $4.10 gone, never to be seen again once summer kicks in.

Go ahead, run down to your nearest Sunoco and inhale the fumes. It’ll cost ya about 10 bucks.

Oh, to be rich and famous…

ATLANTA (Ticker) - New York Mets left fielder Moises Alou left Wednesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves due to a cramp in his left calf. The 41-year-old Alou walked off the field with one out in the bottom of the third inning and was replaced in left by Marlon Anderson. In his only plate appearance, Alou grounded out to third base to lead off the second inning.

I guess when you’re making $7,500,000 you can afford to take a day or two off.

For a cramp.

Kids, do not try this at home.

Your employer won’t appreciate it.

And it’s not because I’m rabid or had one too many Eskimo Pies.

Right now I’m at work and I’ve just checked my e-mail and I’m beyond seriously pissed off about my rebate check that was due into my bank account today.

It ain’t there.

It won’t be there.

And we can thank the fucked up Internal Revenue Service which is part of our fucked up government which is sending out the fucking rebate checks in the first place because they’ve fucked up the economy so bad.

Think I’m pissed?

You ain’t seen nothing yet.

More on this story when I get home and have to chance to suck down a few Eskimo Pies and about two cases of LaBatts Blue.

I was driving back from a meeting last night and I’m just passing the drive-in - yes, Massena still has one of those ancient critters - when I get this severe hankerin’.

I needed ice cream.

I don’t know what came over me, but I started salivating furiously.

For a minute I thought I might have rabies.

So, instead of heading back to the office, I dropped by P&C and ran like a bullet to their frozen food section and pondered and pondered and pondered before settling on Eskimo Pies - the triple chocolate kind that has chocolate on the outside, chocolate with a tinge of vanilla on the inside and a gooey chocolate sauce that miraculously appears out of nowhere.

I put on 50 pounds just thinking about it.

But they were good, oh so good when I got back to the office and started biting into them while cranking out my stories for the day. And they were still oh so good when I got home and sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and dropping hints of chocolate on the sports section. And they were oh so good this morning when I said to hell with the M&Ms, gimme one of them there Eskimo Pies.

Does that officially make me a resident of Alaska now?

Alas, all the joy went out of my life when I popped open the gas bill that had come in the day’s mail.

The gas folks around here would have you believe that natural gas is the best thing since sliced bread. It’s clean, it’s efficient, and they claim it’s cheap.

Oh really!

Then how come a bill that would normally be in the 30-something range this time of year was more like 90-something?

It’s not like I cooked up a feast on the gas-powered stove. I’m a microwave man, baby.

It’s not like I took any more showers than normal. Once a day’s enough for me unless it’s been a really muggy day and then I’ll probably throw myself under the water again.

It’s not like I’m doing any more laundry than I was last year. Two loads a weekend - one for whites, one for coloreds. See, I know what I’m doing at the washing machine, ladies.

It’s not like the furnace is going full blast. It hasn’t been turned on in over a month.

So why, oh why the hell has the bill risen - other than the pay the bandits providing the gas.

It’s absolute starts with a B and ends with a T and has the letters ullshi in between.

If ya get my drift.

I do have some solace though. I’ve been without hot water for the last two days for some strange reason, so I’ve been taking ice-cold showers that make me feel like I’ve been thrown into the Atlantic Ocean in January.

Quick showers, I might add - soap up, rinse off and dry off in a record-setting 5 seconds.

We used to call them Navy showers in the Army. Go figure.

So, since I have no hot water, then surely St. Lawrence Gas can’t charge me for that.

Or maybe they can because anybody affiliated with gasoline supply these days seems to be like Robin Hood in reverse, stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.

Gotta go. Time to shower.

I’ll be back - in about 2 seconds.

And then I’ll have another Eskimo Pie to make me feel better.

I finally took the plunge and visited the new Wal-Mart Supercenter for the first time.

I wish I would have brought my GPS system because the store’s almost as big as Massena itself.

I was so accustomed to the old store - narrow aisles and all. This time around I had no idea where I was going. Everything seemed so hodgepodge.

It took a lot of walking around to find what I was looking for - cat food and cat litter and, of course, the jumbo bags of M&Ms. I should have bought all of the M&Ms - once I found them.

They were in the grocery section, of course, and in one of the last aisles I looked in, of course.

Hey, who pays attention to those silly signs above the aisles that read “Candy” anyway?

While I’m not real enamored with the store layout, I was fairly pleased with the grocery section.

I didn’t even know some of this stuff existed - like pop in the microwave sweet and sour chicken in the nice little bucket like you get from the Chinese restaurant.

Of course, it remains to be seen whether it takes like sweet and sour chicken or whether it tastes like cardboard.

As long as I was in that aisle I picked up some chicken fried rice.

Was gonna eat it today.

Until I noticed that it was in oyster sauce.

Ewwww. Can’t do that. Seafood allergies.

I’m not sure the cats will even eat it.

If they don’t, well, into the garbage you go.

They also had tons of things you can’t find in P&C, like White Castle hamburgers and other goodies in the frozen food section.

So many goodies that I had to force myself to leave before I racked up the bill too much.

After all, I only went there for cat food, cat litter and M&Ms.

One thing I didn’t buy was pork.

Only elected officials like pork….

Lawmakers release election year ‘pork’ grants of $147M

The projects were posted Friday on the Internet at www.assembly.state.ny.us and www.senate.state.ny.us.

Trust me folks, you don’t want to try and read the project list unless you’ve got a few spare months. The senate project list alone was more than 5,000 pages when I checked, and that discouraged me from even taking a gander at the assembly list.

Who says New York is broke?

Not if we can give away $5,000 for Little League uniforms.

I’m in budget meltdown mode.

When I spent the weekend looking at my incoming versus my outgoing, I realized the doo-doo was getting pretty deep. So I realized pain was a good thing in this case.

So, whoosh, bye-bye Dish Network. You were good, but I can live without ya and save myself about $65.

Oh, I’ll miss my nightly Law and Order programs on USA Network and the Law and Order: Criminal Intent marathon every Sunday on Bravo - but let’s face it, they were reruns of reruns of reruns and if I really want to see Law and Order that bad, I can always buy the season DVDs.

And I’ll miss my TNA Wrestling, but I have my own way of watching it whether or not I catch it on television. Wink, wink.

The news? Well, that’s what newspapers are for.

Sports? Well, I still have the very basic Time Warner local channel package at 10 bucks a pop, so I won’t miss out on hockey or football or some baseball games.

I’ll survive.

They’re sending out boxes with pre-paid labels so I can return the receiver boxes. They also want some doohicky from the satellite dish, but I told them in no uncertain terms was I getting up on my roof to get their doohicky. They said OK.

The boxes are coming by slow boat from China and I might have them in two weeks. But if I don’t get all the Dish Network stuff back to them within 30 days from the day I canceled, they’re going to start charging my credit cards.

Nice folks. See ya!

Then I called Verizon and asked them if I could downgrade from my current phone plan. I don’t know why I signed up for it to begin with. It’s got all the bells and whistles - unlimited long distance (even though I probably made my last long distance call about five years ago), unlimited local calling (also very rare), Call Waiting (which I’ve always detested because I’m not gonna hang up on my sister so I can take a call from a telemarketer), and other features that I’ll probably never use in my entire life.

So good-bye Verizon Freedom Essentials Package and hello basic phone service - including, get this, a charge for the frickin’ dial tone. Can you believe that? You could have phone service, but what good is it without a dial tone?

Jeez Louise, when are they gonna start charging for the air you breathe while you’re talking into the phone.?

Or maybe they are and they’ve just labeled it as another tax.

Anyway, the bottom line was I chopped about $30 off my phone bill. Now that might sound dramatic, but look at this way. I was paying 60-some bucks for the Verizon Freedom Essentials package, and now I’m going to pay 30-some for a basic package that essentially gets you a dial tone - even if you don’t make a call for the next bazillion years.

Other bills, unfortunately, are out of my control, so I’ll have to keep sucking them up.

Like the Peanut M&Ms and Diet Pepsi.

Some things you just can’t live without.

Happy Labor Day. Hope it was a long, restful weekend for everyone.

In usual Labor Day fashion, Jerry Lewis is back on the air looking for money for “his kids.” God love him for doing it for the last 50-some years. And not to degrade his loving effort in the least, but I just have a couple of quick questions…

(1) Why aren’t there any telethons for other diseases that affect as many, if not more people? Like cancer. I don’t ever recall seeing any major fundraising efforts for cancer, but we’re no closer to solving that disease than we are muscular dystrophy. And, at least up here, we have a lot more people dying of cancer than we do muscular dystrophy.

(2) Just where does all this money come from that plops into Jerry’s lap year after year? Nearly $60 million right now. Maybe it’s because I live in a small community, but I see major sponsor after major sponsor - supermarkets, firefighters, real estate companies - coming into Jerry’s studio and presenting him with checks for millions. Yet I recall very few, if any, fundraising efforts in this neck of the woods that would raise that kind of money. Maybe I’m just too much in the boonies. The only time I see folks around here get serious about muscular dystrophy fundraising is when the calendar says it’s Labor Day.

So again, where is all this money coming from? And along the same lines, I’m curious about how many people pledge money and then don’t fulfill that pledge. Not to be a party pooper, but there have to be some folks out there who get caught up in the passion of the telethon and run to their phone and say, “Put me down for $500.” But then when it’s time to pay the piper, they don’t have $500.

Just food for thought…

Every time I watch the telethon it reminds me of when I was young and we knew summer was coming to an end. The days were getting cooler. Our houses had the smell of brand new clothes and supplies that we’d be taking to school when it started in a few days. We celebrated the end of summer by grabbing the pigskin and engaging in some rough and tough tackle football in the back yard in preparation for the upcoming NFL season.

And now we’re adults and if we tried that football stuff in the back yard, we’d up in the Massena Memorial Hospital emergency room with doctors putting splints on our legs and arms.

NEWS FLASH: Now they’re up to nearly $62 million. The money keeps rolling in. Harold from the International Association of Firefighters is back with his final check of the telethon. Only a few more million, bringing their total this year to $25,230,000.

I didn’t know firefighters were that rich. Maybe I’m in the wrong job.

But I digress…..

In case anyone cares that I haven’t posted as regularly as I used to, let me explain.

I’m being worked to death.

I have a ton of work to do around the house when I’m not being worked to death at the office.

I’m in the process of rebuilding my computer with all the goodies I used to have before it crashed.

It wasn’t a pretty sight watching a grown man sit at the computer and cry as the blue screen of death repeatedly came up saying it couldn’t boot up. Everything - pictures, movies, financial data, etc. etc. - gone with the wind. So needless to say, when I’m not working at the office or at the house, I’m in the rebuilding process. Sliding CD after CD into the drive and searching high and low on the Internet to find programs. Reconstructing my financial files from the credit union so I know what my checking account balance is. Making sure every picture I had on my computer is safely tucked away on the file storage website, Flickr, and keeping my fingers crossed that Flickr doesn’t suffer a meltdown.

It’s getting there. Some of the programs aren’t being cooperative this time around for some reason, but I suppose I can do without having Front Page Sports Baseball on my hard drive since I do have High Heat Major League Baseball. Concessions, concessions, concessions.

Actually, what would be really cool is if I just bought a new computer and started fresh.

Maybe Jerry has a few dollars he can lend me.

Has anyone else been collecting the state quarters like I have? Just curious because I was sorting mine today - yeah, ok, I’m anal - and I discovered that for some strange reason South Carolina seems to have barraged us with their state quarters. They’re followed closely behind by New Hampshire.

Now I don’t know how distribution of state quarters works, but I would have thought I’d have a glut of New Yorkers instead of South Caroliners. Not by a long shot for whatever reason.

I also have to admit that some state quarters are just downright fugly. Connecticut comes to mind, along with Georgia. Whoever designed their quarters needs to take a refresher course in marketing because those two state quarters do absolutely nothing for me.

Oh, and by the way, if you’re wondering why perhaps you don’t have a South Carolina quarter, it’s because I’ve been hoarding them and all the other states. Well, not really hoarding. I get one, I drop it in a milk jug I have in the bedroom. Just wanted to make sure I had all the states, you see.

Well, it turned out I had $115.50 worth of states after a gleeful hour at the table counting them all out.

I better hang on to that money. I may need it real soon. The “Happy Holidays” letter from our corporate offices came in today’s mail. Oh, such wonderful holiday cheer.

We’re freezing pension benefits on Dec. 31, 2007.

We’re increasing your weekly contributions to the health care plan and dental plan - even though there’s only one dentist in the county who takes the insurance and he’s not taking any new patients.

Oh, but your accident, death and dismemberment coverage will remain unchanged, they say.

That’s a relief because I’d really hate to have my wife pay through the nose for my funeral services when my head’s lopped off by the printing presses.

And yes, we’ll be providing you a pay increase in 2007. All 2 percent of it.

“We wish you a very joyous conclusion to 2006,” they say, “and wish to extend our best wishes to you and your families in 2007.”

Gee, thanks.

We’re gonna need all the help we can get.