Archive for the ‘Dumb And Dumber’ Category
Just Do It
Remember when you were young and had these lofty goals and aspirations and your parents told you, “You can do it?”
Remember when your teachers and your friends and your aunts and uncles and grandparents and the next door neighbor told you the same - “Go for it!”
Remember the Olympics? All those athletes from around the world with their eyes on the prize - a gold medal.
Well, apparently being good isn’t kosher anymore - at least in Little League Baseball.
9-year-old boy told he’s too good to pitch
NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player — too good, it turns out.
The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said.
Officials for the three-year-old league, which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho’s team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. They say Jericho’s coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned.
But Vidro says he didn’t quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league’s field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch.
“He’s never hurt any one,” Vidro said. “He’s on target all the time. How can you punish a kid for being too good?”
The controversy bothers Jericho, who says he misses pitching. “I feel sad,” he said. “I feel like it’s all my fault nobody could play.”
League attorney Peter Noble says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast. “He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower,” Noble said. “There are a lot of beginners. This is not a high-powered league. This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport.”
If he’s that good right now, imagine how good he’ll be in a few years.
If he’s still pitching.
The league is pretty much snuffing out Jericho’s dreams and aspirations because he knows how to pitch.
Jim Deshaies used to throw a pretty mean pitch when I played against him in Babe Ruth baseball. He was good, damned good, so good he spent a few years pitching in the majors.
But did they tell him, “Sorry Ace, you can’t pitch because nobody can hit you?”
Not a chance.
He pitched and we dug in and if we struck out we struck out and if we got hit by the pitch we took first base and if we lost the game we said better luck next time.
It was none of this wimpy, “You’re too good for us” crap.
So everybody, join me today in a chant that will be heard around the world:
“Let Jericho play. Let Jericho play.”
Dumb And Dumber
It’s been a while since we’ve reached into the files of “Dumb and Dumber.”
Unfortunately, they haven’t gone away. They just get dumber.
So, without comment, I present to you today’s “Dumb and Dumber.”
Fla. man dials 911, complains his sub had no sauce
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.
Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren’t arriving fast enough.
Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police.
When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.
Ohio inmate says he’s too fat for execution
COLUMBUS, Ohio - A death row inmate scheduled for execution says he’s too fat to be put to death, claiming executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of one of the lethal injection drugs.
Lawyers for Richard Cooey argue in a federal lawsuit that Cooey - 5-feet-7 and 267 pounds - had poor veins when he faced execution five years ago and the problem has been worsened by weight gain.
The lawsuit, filed Friday in federal court, also says prison officials have had difficulty drawing blood from Cooey for medical procedures.
Cooey, 41, is sentenced to die for raping and murdering two young women in 1986. His execution is scheduled for Oct. 14.
His attorneys say a drug he is taking for migraine headaches could affect the execution process. The drug Topamax, a type of seizure medication, may have created a resistance to thiopental, the drug used to put inmates to sleep before two other lethal drugs are administered, Dr. Mark Heath, a physician hired by the Ohio Public Defender’s Office, said in documents filed with the court.
Heath says Cooey’s weight, combined with the potential drug resistance, increases the risk he would not be properly anesthetized.
“All of the experts agree if the first drug doesn’t work, the execution is going to be excruciating,” Cooey’s public defender, Kelly Culshaw Schneider, said Monday.
Nude intruder falls for police sting
A nude intruder fell for a police sting when they chased him out of a swimming pool straight into a hedge of nettles.
The skinny-dipping swimmer and his pals had broken into a pool in Dueren, western Germany, for a midnight plunge when police arrived.
“They were driven out by the officers and they all went separate ways and then one of them jumped over a wall straight into a hedge of nettles.
“The officers just followed the sound of the screaming,” a police spokesman said.
Ohio woman bills Michigan $16 for work zone delay
PERRYSBURG, Ohio - An Ohio woman has sent Michigan transportation officials a bill for the $16 she says she wasted on gasoline sitting in construction zone traffic. Carol Greenberg complained there were no signs warning about the work on southbound Interstate 275 where it merges with I-75 near Newport, Michigan, about 27 miles north of Toledo.
So, she said she got stuck idling for about 50 minutes on July 23 while trying to get home to the Toledo suburbs with her cat after a visit to a specialty veterinarian outside Detroit. She said her Maine coon cat, Sammy, didn’t like the delay either and howled the entire time.
In a response letter, the Michigan Department of Transportation says it’s not able to reimburse drivers for time, wages, or gas lost in work zone back-ups.
Oh, And By The Way
I know there are some real dicks in the world.
But they don’t have to act like one.
Just ran across this at Danger Democrat’s blog.
You’ve got to check it out for yourself.
They’re Coming To Take You Away, Ha Ha
Man tracked down for 51-cent tax bill
BRIGHTON, Mich., May 14 (UPI) — A Michigan doctor says he found it funny the city of Brighton sent him a “final notice and demand of payment” for 51 cents in property taxes.
Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn’t fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes.
“This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do,” Kazanji told the Livingston County (Mich.) Daily Press & Argus.
Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter.
Brighton officials said they are required by law to fine delinquent tax payers, regardless of the amount they owe.
“No matter how small, we can’t ignore it or waive it,” city finance director Dave Gajda said. “It doesn’t matter how much we spend to collect (delinquent taxes), we have to collect it.”
Pamela Anderson’s breasts lured teen to sex
A 32-YEAR-OLD woman sent a picture of Pamela Anderson’s breasts to a 15-year-old workmate shortly before beginning a sexual relationship with him, a court heard.
Courtney Issabella Bailey, now 34, told police that the boy had texted her asking her for a picture of her breasts - but she sent a picture of the Baywatch star’s breasts instead.
Bailey received a four-month suspended jail term today after pleading guilty to five counts of unlawful sexual intercourse with a person under the age of 17 in January 2007.
Crown prosecutor Peter Sherriff told the Supreme Court in Launceston that Bailey and the boy had exchanged pornographic DVDs in the weeks before the crimes. Read the full story here.
Bailey had remarked to his parents that he was a “big strong boy” for a 15-year-old.
Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior
Animal to remain behind bars until owner pays injured men’s medical bills
TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico - A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery.
The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday.
Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men’s medical bills.
“Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed,” Gomez said - “no matter who they are.”
Look, Up In The Sky!
You may want to close your drapes on May 31 - if you believe the Weekly World News, that is:
THE MAN IN THE MOON IS A PEEPING TOM!
FLAGSTONE, Ariz. - An astronomer at the Bowl Mountain Observatory has a warning for anyone who plans to be up and about on May 31.
“I’ve been studying the phases - and faces - of the Man in the Moon,” Dr. Alfred Eisenstone told Weekly World News, “and have come to the conclusion that not only are we watching him: he’s watching us!”
The scientist reports that certain craters in the eye-section seem to become wider during periods of the full moon, and several of the southern peaks grow taller. “Because there is no atmosphere on the moon, his ability to pick up the tiniest details on Earth would be unimpaired,” Dr. Eisenstone added. “There is no doubt in my mind that he is looking into windows as soon as he rises - so to speak.”
Every other astronomer contacted by Weekly World News has dismissed the scientist’s claim as moronic. “We believe that Dr. Eisenstone is not only mad but a pervert himself,” said Professor Aaron Motbaugh. “Rumor has it he’s used the observatory’s two-hundred-inch telescope for local peeping of his own.”
“Those allegations were never substantiated, and time will prove that I’m right,” Dr. Eisenstone replied confidently. “My research will give an entirely new meaning to the term ‘blue moon.’”
So, you think that’s dumb?
Well, here’s something even dumber.
The scary part is, it’s true!
Candy wrappers help police nab suspects
CINCINNATI - Police in Cincinnati say a trail of candy and wrappers led them to suspects in a break-in at a downtown candy store. Four people have been charged with breaking and entering. One of the four also has been charged with child endangering. Police say 19-year-old Christine Ruther had her 7-week-old daughter with her when she and three others broke into Peter Minges (MIHNG’-guhs) & Son candy store Thursday. They are accused of taking about $400 in candy. The group was arrested a few blocks away.
In the real world, meanwhile, there’s confusion on the home front.
I rolled around a bit this morning before getting out of bed because I thought it was Saturday.
I’m moving up in the world - I used to think Fridays were Saturday.
They’re getting earlier by the month.
Come July, I’ll think it’s Saturday on Monday.
What a disappointment when you look at the paper and really discover it’s another work day.
And your list of “to do” is bigger than a breadbox.
Hell, right now mine’s bigger than the piles of snow we had this winter - and that’s some big honkin’ list, lemme tell ya.
So…
Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go.
And on a Saturday, no less.
So Sue Me
OK, I will, he says:
Danbury faces lawsuit for waking sleeping student
Teenage boy claims hearing damage when teacher slammed hand on desk
DANBURY — Take one early morning high school math class.
Add a drowsy student who may have been up late the night before.
Multiply it by the sound of the teacher’s hand slamming down on the sleeping scholar’s desk.
What do you get? A lawsuit — or at least the possibility of one.
That’s the product of an incident at Danbury High School in December, according to documents on file in the Town Clerk’s office at City Hall.
Attorney Alan Barry has notified Danbury school officials he intends to sue them for injuries sustained by his client, 15-year-old Vinicios Robacher, that were allegedly caused by the teacher who woke him up.
Robacher suffered pain and “very severe injuries to his left eardrum” when teacher Melissa Nadeau abruptly slammed the palm of her hand on his desk on Dec. 4, Barry said.
The injuries, and Robacher’s resulting hearing loss, may be permanent, he said.
“Many of us have fallen asleep in class and had the teacher wake us up. But what happened here was more in the nature of an assault and battery,” he said. “My client is an extraordinarily bright young man. He’s a computer wizard who works late into the night, and that’s probably why he fell asleep.”
“You can’t make this stuff up,” high school Principal Catherine Richard said. “Does it have merit? That’s for someone else to decide.”
And hopefully they’ll decide that maybe Mr. Robacher needs to hit the rack a bit earlier in the evening so he - like other students - can, gasp, stay awake during class.
Locally, village officials in Massena have declared a snow emergency.
It’s about damn time now that the snow’s piled at least 20 feet in the air.
The snow emergency means that nobody but nobody can park on the streets because visibility’s already so poor for people trying to pull out of their driveways or turn a corner.
No kidding.
I live on what could be considered a small but major thoroughfare, and I fear for my life every time I try to inch like a snail out of my driveway because idiots barreling down the street at 50 mph - and by the way, the speed limit’s only 30 - don’t seem to care that something might be lurking behind that big snow bank.
Like me and my car.
So far - knock on snow - I haven’t been clipped. But the day’s going to come. I can almost guarantee it.
Which I guess really isn’t a bad thing because I’ve been wanting a new car anyway.
But think happy thoughts. Spring’s less than a week away.
Can somebody please smack Old Man Winter upside the head and tell him that.
